“I saw my life branching out before me like the green binary tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple《figcaption》a wonderful future beckoned. One《figcaption》was a computational linguistics researcher, and another《figcaption》was a famous author, and another《figcaption》was him. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the《figcaption》tags began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
Welcome to Half-Birthday Chronicles!
This past weekend, I was at M{IT}^2, MIT's informatics tournament for high school and college students. As usual, what was most memorable about the experience was not the competition or coding aspects (though those were also very fun!)
For me, it was playing poker in-person for the first time, trying to figure out what a Smoot was, and late-night walks around MIT's campus.
While walking around MIT, I experienced a feeling of being alone that's... hard to put into words. It was late at night, so I was fully expecting to be alone.
But it was so much more than that. Clutching my phone tight in my hands while taking in the buildings around me and trying not to take too many pictures, I had a feeling of oh, this is it.
If I become a researcher and an academic like I've always wanted, I'll be walking a path of solitude. I'll always have my friends and family for support, but that journey will be mine and mine alone. It'll be late nights that aren't half as romantic or dreamlike. It'll be staring at screens until that becomes the only function of my eyes. It'll be... well, rough.
But at the same time, that path is liberating. I can see it so clearly now - I can't imagine myself doing anything else. On nights where I'm working myself to the grindstone, I'll still make the trek across campus, look up at the stars, and briefly, gorgeously, be reminded of my humanity.
And that'll make it all worth it. What is research if not exploring what it means to be human? (I'm going to look back on this in a few years and laugh at the naive, idealistic person I am now.)
At the end of the day, we’re all trying to answer the same fundamental questions: Who are we? Where did we come from? What is our purpose? There is beauty in how we humans satisfy our curiosity about the universe, whether it’s smashing protons together in violent collisions or analyzing gendered nouns in classical Chinese texts. While I prefer researching intangible things like language and using non-intrusive research methods, I’ve come to respect the different ways we humans probe the universe. —Jaiden Li
MIT, for me, represents an intellectual haven of sorts. Yet I know without a doubt that MIT is not the right place for me, at least for undergrad: I still have to learn how to think before I do anything.
All of the attempts I've made at thinking about things have been flawed, at best. At this moment thoughts are colliding in my head more violently than the smashiest of protons. I just wrote a《figcaption》tag and my brain went, "Sylvia Plath's Figcaptions." You see? I'm clearly doomed.
I'm untrained, yet the raw kinetic energy is there. Or is that just wishful thinking? I'm begging, begging for these colleges to see me, see me as this girl with so much raw intellectual potential, and shape me into some coherent thinker. Not Rousseau or Mengzi, certainly. But someone who can contribute to conversations and offer a unique perspective instead of endlessly parroting others' views.
On a more optimistic note: today's my half-birthday! Here are some things I've accomplished in the past half-year that I'm proud of:
- Applying to 32 colleges total (guys... I really cooked on some of those supplements!)
- Making a regular habit of journaling and reflecting (including this blog post)!
- Speaking solo at a conference for the first time.
- Becoming a finalist for the Stamps Eminence Scholarship at Ohio State.
- Being more proactive about opportunities, particularly in STEM, and winning scholarships.
- Showing myself kindness by not letting myself indulge in self-sabotaging or self-sacrificial habits.
- Being kind online and helping others when possible!
Thank you so much to everyone who's helped make everything on this list possible - even if it's just chatting with me about some random topic, saying hi to me, or indulging one of my not-so-funny jokes. Thank you for instilling in me a sense of purpose and pushing me to never settle for mediocrity.
Just by reading this, you've given me the platform to share my thoughts, and I'm so immensely grateful for that. I'll see you one half-revolution around the sun later!